This morning has already been a challenge. I guess I should say that last night started the challenge;that dreaded battle of going to bed. It is rather hard to convince a stubborn 3 1/2 year old that sleeping is not a waste of time...specially when he is the one to tell you that. Even after a massage with essential lavender oil, it was a fight to get my child to sleep.
After a restless night of sleep, ups and downs, we finally started our morning at 7 am. I had hope for the day. After all, 7 is way later than the usual 5:30 am. Surely this must mean the boys are rested. Right? Wrong. It was not transparently going to be a bad day. Pierce asked if he could do the dishes in the sink and make toast as soon as he woke up. Yeah! It was going to be a great day! And then I served the breakfast he chose. Toast with scrambled eggs. Apparently, it was not what he wanted after all. He ate his toast that he made. That was not the problem. The problem was that the minute I got up from the table to serve myself a cup of coffee, he threw his plate of eggs on the floor for the dog to eat. And there is started.
I brushed it off. After all, I am completely exhausted since I was the one up all night. Plus, the world knows I do not do well on no sleep. It is painfully obvious with the swollen eyes, lack of gallop in my step, etc. I just explained to him that was his choice, and he would have no other food until lunch. After a couple of tears, he understood. Great! Let's move on with making some Christmas gifts. Yippee!
It started well again...both boys were so excited to be making a watercolor painting for Nana. The main reason? They were able to paint on a canvas. That is a big treat in this house. We taped off the N in the middle, and I made the water colors, and let them go to town. I sat next to them as they mixed colors and were so excited to see what they would turn out to be. When they were done, I gave them a piece of paper, and took the canvas downstairs to dry. While I was down there, I switched laundry as well, and came right back upstairs. I was shocked! There were water colors EVERYWHERE! I was gone for 2 minutes. In that time frame, they managed to get water colors on every wall, window, couch, pillow, and each other. Apparently, they learned that water colors splatter really well when you shake the brush. It was partially my fault for leaving; but I trust that my children will make good choices. And this time they didn't. So I handed each one of them a Mr. Clean sponge, and told them to have at it. There would be no more painting until they were done cleaning.
Did I raise my voice? Yes. Do I feel horrible about it? Yes. But I was shocked. And I am human. The final straw of the morning, was when I gave them a fun bath. You see, I had them paint the jars for their cousins that we are going to put bath salts in for them. Carter had a horrendous time following simple directions, but Pierce had a blast. However, they both ended up covered in MORE paint, so I set up a fish tank bath. I colored the water blue, put in their Toob fishes, and made an awesome bath for them to play in. All was going well until Pierce bit Carter's back. Yes, he bit his little brother. Why may you ask? Because Carter had Nemo and he wanted it. He bit him so hard, he broke skin. And then I yelled. It was if I was a completely different person. I threatened to call Santa. I told them we were not putting up Christmas lights today. And then I sent both to bed, since it is obvious they needed sleep.
I always read them a book before nap, and I brought out the book that they have been asking for; Winnie the Pooh's Thanksgiving. I started reading it for them, since they stopped crying long enough to listen to me. And I felt horrible for yelling at them. I hate it. That is not me...I don't think. I think I am usually pretty darn forgiving. Except for when it comes to hurting each other. As soon as I started reading the book, they both got out of their beds, and started pushing and hitting each other over who was sitting in my lap. And that was all it took. I was done. I yelled at them again, telling them this behavior is beyond unacceptable. Children or not, hitting and fighting is a big no no in our house. We use words. Not fists. Not our bodies. Words. I tucked them both back in, told them I loved them, and left.
Then I wrote a post on Facebook listing the morning events, and asking myself why did I choose to be a stay at home mom. Now obviously, I will never regret it. Obviously, it is just a tough day. What I thought would happen would other moms saying, "I wonder that sometimes too" or "Don't we all get to that point?" What I was not expecting was somebody telling me that I need to get MY priorities straight, and that I was completely selfish and self centered. I may be immature at times. I may be a stickler for rules, and sometimes a bit over bearing. However, one thing I am not is self centered and selfish. I don't know how many times I have written on here and on my personal page about how thankful I am for my husband and his family giving up so much for me to stay home with my boys. I don't know how many times I have written that even when you are having one of these kinds of days, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. But yet I am self centered. Yet again, a mom cannot support another mom or understand that this Momma is overwhelmed and offer encouragement. Instead, there seems to be this need to tear each other down. Why?! Why do we do this to each other?
If what this person defines self centered as giving up anything for my children's benefit, barely taking time for myself, and always making sure my family has food in their bellies, then I guess I am. If this person defines self centered and selfish as not going out with my husband on a date, or going out with friends because I don't want to impose my children on anybody, then I guess I am. We all have our moments of why. We all ask ourselves would our lives be any better if we had chosen a different path. However, I know at the end of the day that even with my children not acting like their typical selves, I would not trade this for the world. I would sacrifice my career and financial independence again in a heart beat. You have one shot to raise your children the way you would like them to be raised. One chance to make the world a better place by teaching your children responsibility, compassion, and empathy. One chance to make them understand why there are rules in society. So to that person that decided to kick me while I am down, thank you. You have made me realize that if I define self centered and selfish as I did above, that is exactly who I want to be.
And by the way, we are all human. We cannot be perfect. Yelling at my children is something I hate. It happens. I will choose not to dwell on it all day. I will choose to explain to my children that yelling at them was wrong and apologize. I will show my children that even grown ups make mistakes too.
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