Mommy Dilemma

I am having a mommy dilemma, and an overwhelming sense of guilt.  I feel like I am at a standstill with the boys.  We have been so busy doing stuff everyday, that I realized I have not made any lesson plans in about a month or even a little longer.  This recent realization has made me feel incredibly guilty.

Our new routine has been spending mornings at the gym; I get my space and time to work out, and they are in child watch with two other grown ups and most of the time other kiddos.  I know this is beneficial to them, as they are playing with other children and getting used to me not being there every second.  They also love it, and Pierce even tells me when it is time to go to the gym.  BUT.  That used to be our time to do lessons, projects, activities, etc.  After the gym, if the day is nice, we travel to a playground, or travel to a kid's museum, or grocery shop.  Then we come home, eat lunch, read a couple of books, and it is nap time.  That is when I update this, clean the house, do the laundry, etc.  Sometimes I am still cleaning when they wake up, so I find them helping me clean and munching on a snack all at the same time.  On top of that, 3 days a week I am working nights, so I am rushing to make dinner after they wake up, and that means no projects those days.

The last project we made was last week.  I took an egg carton, and had them paint the inside and outside of the carton.  After they dried, I cut them into 12 individual "flowers" and we stuck pipe cleaners into them (to make the stems of the flowers).  To me, this was beyond simple.  I know the kiddos had fun and enjoyed it, since they are now sitting in cups on the kitchen table for everyone to see.

Now the question is why?  Why do I feel so incredibly guilty that I have not made lesson plans and have not sat down with them to formally recite everything?  Why do I feel like I am letting my children down, and partially neglecting them?  Why do I feel like they have learned nothing in the last month?  What is wrong with me?  I know I am incredibly overwhelmed with a lot.  There are some family health issues that always seem to be on my mind, I know my job I get paid for is a dead end job, and the number one worry is always finances.  I still feel horrible about living with my in laws, and it is not their fault or anyone's fault.  It is something I have never been able to mentally accept; the fact that I am not independent at the age of 28, and that I still need help just kills me.  I feel like I should be a grown up in every way, and that means doing everything on my own.

I try to do the best, and that to me that also means I need to have some space and time.  Yet, I feel so guilty taking the time.  Maybe it is just the mindset of a mom?  I have no idea.  But, from this point forward, I am vowing to allow myself to feel happy about having my space and letting the boys have theirs.  I know it is healthy for them, and they need it.  I need to get over this mom guilt about not making lesson plans and doing formal lessons everyday.  I am the one that has always said that nature is their classroom, and we are always outside discussing everything (Why is our favorite question in the house right now).  Maybe I need to start sticking close to home again, and not try to travel everywhere.  However, it is so nice outside lately, why would I want to stop traveling to playgrounds and such?  Ugh.  Who would have ever thought being a mom could be so hard mentally, as well as physically.  Thanks for letting me vent everyone, and I hope you have a great rest of your day!