I sincerely hope everyone had a fantastic holiday break. We had a very busy, yet relaxing Christmas here. Christmas Eve we did the typical dinner at my grandmother in laws house; they are Italian, and have this 7 fish dinner every Christmas Eve. This is of course complete with calamari sauce, fresh pasta, salad, wine, and a ton of appetizers and cookies. This year I made the cookies, and ended up having to make multiple batches. It wasn't because of the boys or any person in the house. It was because our 5 year old golden retriever is smarter than I give her credit for, and ate 3 dozen cookies out of a tupperware container on the back of the counter. This mamma was not happy; specially since it was the 23rd of December, and Pierce was convinced that we would not have a visit from Santa without his cookies.
Then I came down with this horrible stomach/fever/cold virus. My husband insists on it being the flu, but I refuse to admit it (I meant to get my flu shot, I really did). I literally spent all of the 28th in my bed. I had no energy to get up, and I honestly felt lifeless. This down time lead me to think; a lot. I thought a lot about 2013 and how much we have changed as a family.
When 2013 started, I didn't really feel like my family was whole. And when I say family, I mean Dan, myself, and the boys. I was working 4 nights a week, he was working 4 days a week and 1 night a week, and we did not see each other. With us both being stressed and playing the game of exchanging the boys as he came home and I left, we were not the nicest to each other. We did a lot of fighting at the beginning of 2013, and we did not show each other the respect we both deserved. This is what lead me to not feel like a family; we really didn't function as one.
We were also finishing up with birth to three with Pierce. He was officially discharged in February, and he was on his way to becoming the amazing child he is today. We overcame that massive sensory. speech, and emotional hurdle and certainly had cause to celebrate. Carter was barely walking, but talking up a whole storm (he did not walk until close to 17 months). It seems like all of this was so long ago, with so many sleepless nights in between. Yet, it was only a year ago. That amazes me.
I spent most of the summer traveling with the boys, working, and trying to do it all. I kept pushing my feelings deeper inside of me that I never dealt with in regards to my father's death, my own internal beliefs that I was an inadequate mom and wife. I felt I was disgusting inside and out, and pushed so many people aside, and ruined some great friendships. I think I honestly spent a good part of 2013 feeling like an outsider in my own life; I always felt like I wasn't there, even when I was. There is not a day that goes by where I thank God that I have the children that I do; they were, and still are, my saving grace. I cannot begin to think about where my life would be at this minute, if I did not have them to ground me.
Please don't misunderstand. The year 2013 was not all bad; there were a lot of good times as well. Visiting Watkins Glen as a family, summer concerts on the green, Dan and I sitting together just holding hands on the beach in RI, swimming, watching Carter learn to play golf, and watching Pierce play on a soccer team for the first time. Finally being honest with myself and Dan about what was going through my head, multiple times a day, started bringing me back to reality. I quit my job. No paycheck was worth that feeling that we no longer had a family and we were functioning as 2 separate people with the kids in the middle. It was too much for me to handle at that point in my life, and I did what was best for myself and my family. I cannot say that I am 100%, and that our family is 100%, but we are almost there.
I welcome 2014 as a sign of change, a sigh of relief. I see 2014 as a great and prosperous year for my family; Dan and I have already agreed that we need to spend more time together as the 4 of us, and we already started that in 2013. I vow to take care of myself. If I cannot take care of myself, who am I to take care of a 3 and 2 year old all day? I need to stop pretending that my father's death did not affect me as much as it did. I need to realize that even though we knew it was coming, that does not make it hurt less, or matter any less than any other death. I need to stop worrying about what others think about me. What I mean about this, is I need to not wonder what people think about our living situation, what I wear, what I drive, what we earn. I am so lucky that at the end of 2013 I was able to count 5 people as friends that truly accept me for everything I am. My goal is to keep those 5 people close to my heart and remind them they do matter in my life.
I vow to be nicer to myself. How can I raise our boys to be self confident, when I am the first one to put myself down about everything? It cannot work like that. That is simple logic. Children model what they hear and say. When I see the boys hesitate in a large group to answer, but they know the answer, it hurts. That is their confidence level right there. And they need more self confidence. As does their mother.
Lastly, for 2014, I vow to be in the moment more. This was my biggest regret for 2013; not feeling like I was in the moment. The world of technology sucked me in. Big time. It was so much easier to escape to Facebook, text messages, TV, and anything else that came on a screen, than to deal with the pressing issues within myself. I don't know how many times I told the boys to hold on one second while I was texting somebody. It never should have gotten to that point. As of yesterday, I stopped turning my phone on while the kids were awake. While I have been sick, I have even been reading a book, instead of surfing Pinterest for more ideas to do with the kiddos. My laptop is no longer in my bedroom. It is in the office with the rest of the computers in the house. And today was like a breath of fresh air playing with the boys. I can honestly say I was in every moment with them today. I was making words out of tiles that we found in the rice bucket. I was not checking for status updates or messages. I was doing science experiments with corn syrup and baby oil, and I truly watched their faces light up when they made tornadoes of glitter in water bottles.
These are my goals for this year; self confidence, family first, and less technology. I want to break free of my inner chains. I want our family to be one with nature, and one cohesive unit. Bring it on 2014, this is going to be a great year for everyone. Happy New Year to all of my readers, and starting tomorrow I will start posting our cool projects of the day.
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