And I am talking about any shred of sanity I have left. I mean, not really, but I think most moms understand what it is like to be at your wits end pulling out hair, and feeling like a raging lunatic.
Wednesday was the catalyst to how we have arrived at where we are currently at. As soon as Pierce woke up, he started saying no going to school, and fought me tooth and nail on every aspect. Even to the point of kicking off his shoes and making me put them on all over again. I figured once he got there, he would be better. But no. I receive the phone call, about an hour later while my car is on the lift having the oil done, that he is really having a bad day, and I do not need to get him, but it is pretty bad. So of course I go and get him, and of course by the time I get there he is fine. Then he is upset he has to leave. I cannot win this battle, because no matter what I have made the bad choice.
Wednesday night, I sent him out to the pharmacy with Dan so he could have some daddy time, hoping that would correct some of the meltdowns and stubbornness we have had in the house. It helped for a bit, but come Thursday morning he was right back at it. We woke up yesterday, and after eating all of the left overs for the last week on Tuesday and Wednesday, it was time to go grocery shopping. Lately one of the favorite books in the house is Llama Llama, Mad at Momma and it is about little llama who hates having to do errands with his momma and would rather play. Keeping this in mind (as if he is trying to tell me something), I had Pierce be my big helper all through the store by putting everything in the cart for me. Success! No meltdowns in the store. Then we went to the Dollar Tree to purchase a few things for Christmas and crafts. And his reward this time was a Mylar balloon if he helped momma and listened. Only one meltdown in the store, and that was over a bouncy ball he just had to have. Considering he already has one, nope. He was not getting it. A quick reminder about the balloon, and crisis averted.
We then went to Nana's house to just say hi really quick, and let the meltdowns begin. Listening ears turned off, Carter was tired, and we ended up with sea glass everywhere and almost dragging my kiddos out of there. Carter fell asleep on the way home, and actually stayed asleep when I brought him inside. Pierce decided to fight me on a nap, so I made him lunch, and he still fought me. To the point he was kicking and screaming on the floor. I finally get him in his bed, then he sneaks out after waking up Carter. Also at this point, we have ended up with both kids in our bed every night, no sleep for mommy or daddy, and we are just all cranky.
Pierce was promptly placed in his room for a time out due to yelling at me, but he fell asleep (success for mommy!). Then he woke up saying his throat hurt (not sure how accurate that is, or if he is just tired). I had a mom's night out last night, which was also a kick off meeting for officially being Momastons since we have a goal now. I have decided, that as much fun as it is to have a few glasses of wine at night with just moms, it may not be worth it the next day with the kids. Dan was successfully able to convince Carter to go to sleep, but Pierce refused. Then Mimi and Papa came home, and he was still up when I rolled in at 9:30. He refused to put on his pull up, pajamas, or listen. He was more content doing flips across the living room floor. I tried making friends with honey, by letting him do 2 more flips, then get a glass of milk, etc. But the kid was finally put in his room and told to not move a muscle.
As predicted, both kids ended up in our bed again, since Pierce felt the need to lay in his bed and scream for mommy to come lay with him, which in turn woke up Carter. And that was the final straw. I have a hard time dealing with 4 am. I really do, and that is when all of this started. I have heard so much whining this morning, and listening ears are totally non existent. I tried being patient, I let them throw rice all over the floor in the basement with the premise of you have to clean it up. And that was the straw that broke this momma's back. After agreeing and making the mess, I told the boys it was time to clean up. Carter tried, but realistically, a 15 month old cannot scoop up all the rice off the floor and put it back in a tub. A 2 1/2 year old can...but out right told me he was not going to. It was not his job to clean up his mess, it was Momma's job. I said fine, if I am cleaning it up, it is going in the garbage. And there he went throwing himself across the floor, screaming no, I clean it. So I backed off, and we played this game for 45 minutes. I finally yelled at him, and I feel horrible for doing it.
I hate yelling at my children. I know it is not the proper method of parenting, but sometimes it just happens. I know he is tired, has not had a chance to really get back in the groove from Thanksgiving, and he is just all out of sorts. But, in that moment when he tried kicking me to make me go away, I looked at him, and yelled, "You are being a BRAT! Get upstairs, I am done dealing with a BRAT!" He is now screaming, Carter is yelling since he knows something is wrong, and now I am crying and angry all at the same time since I just not only yelled at my child, but called him a brat. Really? I pride myself on being a stay at home mom, taking breathers, walking away, and trying to watch my tongue, and I just called my kid a brat. Maybe I shouldn't be a stay at home mom. Maybe I truly don't deserve it. I cannot keep up with the housework, I have children who maybe are too spoiled, I just don't know. Maybe I shouldn't even be a teacher.
This was all 2 hours ago, and I am just now getting them asleep for naps. I need to find a way to salvage this day, and I need to look long and hard at myself. Never in a million years have I thought I would call my kid a brat. Yes, he came out of his room to apologize to me since he said he wasn't listening and he was whining, but it still doesn't make it right what I did. It seems like all of these other moms have infinite amounts of patience, and some days (more than others lately), I feel like i have zero. None.
Pierce and Carter, I am sorry that this week has been horrible for us. We are all overtired, and I am going to go take my nap now too. I love you guys to the moon and back, even if I don't always show it. Hopefully this afternoon will be a great one, once we have all slept in our own beds. And to everyone else, sorry for this style of a post, but I needed to get this out of my mind and onto paper. I feel horrible.
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